The Bakery of Friendship
by killura
Summary: [AU] Titan City is a busy place, inhabited by your favorite WWE Wrestlers. The most enjoyed attraction is The Friendly Baker's Bakery, though there are competetors in the shadows, waiting for their demise. [Series of One-Shots based on all current Superstars]
1. Round One: Kane vs CM Punk

**Title:** Diet Pepsi [oneshot]  
**Characters:** Kane; CM Punk  
**Rating:** T  
**Summary:** The Friendly Team bakery is the most popular in town, and sometimes they get some real assholes for customer. With Kane as the cashier, this never ends well.

Kane glared down his nose at the man on the other side of his counter, letting out a groan in hopes to both calm his anger before it began… and in hopes to make the person in front of him feel ashamed of himself.

CM Punk was one of his major roadblocks on his path to overcoming his anger management problems, and Daniel was always too busy baking goddamn cupcakes to come out and talk him through his rage.

Put lightly, he wanted to strangle CM Punk and then hang him on a cross next to the register.

It would be a warning to everyone who walked in not to mess with the guy in the mask. Let them know nobody was above his wrath, not even the well-respected "Second City Saint".

Yes, the thought of inflicting violence always had calmed his rage.

Even so, telling him this had never made him leave any quicker.

With gritted teeth and a forced smile, Kane used the same voice he did on Daniel when he was having one of his episodes. "How may I help you?"

Punk obviously enjoyed what he was doing; he examined his fingernails calmly, as if he hadn't heard the sarcasm in the cashier's voice. "Diet Pepsi, as usual,".

"We don't serve Pepsi Products, sir. Mick's Butcher Shop is next door, and they have what you want. Bother them."

"Nonsense… Mr. Bearer, is it? There's a box of them sitting right behind you. I can see them. Just like always,". There was an emphasis and a smirk with his last jab. Kane ignored it.

He was getting a line, which he was pretty sure only encouraged Punk. He should have never agreed to let Daniel buy a 12-pack at the 7-11 the first day the man had asked. But no. No, Daniel said it would be worth it because Punk was fine with a massive up-charge..

Since then, they had some cans stashed away for Punk. Only Punk.

"For Chris'sakes, Kane. I know Danny has some in back for me. Just bend your butt below the register and grab one,".

"And leave the floor unsupervised? I can't do that, sir." Kane was pretty sure that no matter how he tried, he looked like he was going to kill someone… but that wasn't really a misleading possibility. "If you'd like to buy something else, our menu is right there and you can step aside for the customers who aren't a waste of my life,".

To his surprise and horror, Punk listened - but it was an obvious ploy. It had to be. There was no way CM Punk, the biggest asshat in the world, would be polite and agreeable when he could see a man have a psychotic break instead.

But Punk was quiet. He was quiet all the way through his second trip in the line, appearing to examine the menu intently with his chin resting on his palm hand in deep thought. He made it through the whole line this way, up until the moment he had made his way back through "I'll take a cupcake, sir."

"Oh? What kind?" This was a surprise to him; they had done this dance before, and CM Punk would always get back in line continously until he could, again, order his Diet Pepsi. Kane saw him do this four times per visit, once.

"I want a cupcake with red, blue, and white icing, friend".

"Yeah, okay. We make those,". Some freaks came in every couple of days to buy them by the dozen. They were with the Tea Party, he was pretty sure. Or the KKK. He could never tell.

Either way, they insisted on flag themed cupcakes, but they never called in advance so they always had some ready. Titan City was a pretty patriotic town so they sold anyway. They just kept them in a separate fridge. Something about color coordination.

Fuck.

He pulled away from the register and heard a snort, which was quickly muffled by what he was sure was Punk's hand. He never turned his back on a customer if he could, because then they'd see his pink pants. Daniel insisted they wear something that was pink because "the shop had a theme and deserts are happy. Happy means pastels!"

Kane hated his life, but a few moments later he turned around with CM Punk's first goddamn cupcake, and saw the man furrow his brow.

"_Oh, Kane…_ This cupcake - It's not what I asked for."

"Excuse me?"

"Kane, I asked for red, white, and blue. Not those colors swirled together… That's gross as shit", and with that he removed his hoodie and pulled up one of his sleeves, revealing the Pepsi Logo.

_Freak._

"If you need a reference, just use this! You can take a picture if you need to have something to look at. I have a Smart Phone,."

Kane took hold of the counter, preparing to leap over it. In his calmest voice, he said one of the things that already gotten him a write-up from Mr. Shelby. "Stand still so I can rip off your testicles."

_He would use them as door chimes._

* * *

Author Notes: Hello, everybody! This is kind of a crack-inspired series, but I have no self-respect and this is what it turned into. Later Chapters will feature characters who run businesses such as _Bray's BBQ and _Rhode's Coffee_, The Friendly Bakery's unknown rivals._

As always constructive criticism is very much appreciated, or reviews of any sort. Even hateful ones. I just want to be notices.


	2. Sister Abigail's War

**Title:** A Rotting World  
**Characters:** The Wyatts; Daniel Bryan; Mick Foley  
**Summary:** The Friendly Team bakery is the most popular in town. They have their rivalries, and they they have their... problems. There is a war coming, and they want no part in it.

* * *

Titan City was a weird-ass town. If anyone could confirm this, it would be a man nicknamed Hornswoggle. He had worked part-time many places. So many places with so many weirdos.

Yes, he'd seen some things, and people didn't always believe him because they were _that_ ridiculous. Lucky for him, his boss Daniel was quick to trust his stories. After events such as attempts from a backwards cult with goat masks to recruit him, and Kane getting engaged to multiple models, he realized there was nothing too weird for this town.

Still, Hornswoggle told him some really stupid shit sometimes.

Today, he had walked in through the shop's small loading dock – you could call it that, but it really only got use as a backdoor He had hung up his jacket on the low-hooks they had specifically for the short guy and turned to Daniel.

"Good morning, Hornswoggle," Mr. Shelby told him to reach out to others - pleasantries were part of making friends.

"There's a cow on our stoop, boss."

Daniel's face contorted, his nose scrunching up did any time he showed his ever-present confusion. Everyone figured it was all the hair his beard added – he'd been much easier to read since it'd grown in.

"There is. A cow. By our. back door."

"_No_," that first word was a whisper, but he repeated it in sets of three, getting louder and louder, as if it were some kind of incantation. It wasn't long before worked himself up into a fit - these were a daily occurrence, but traumatizing for all involved, nonetheless.

Daniel began a tantrum, walking around the kitchen while throwing off his baking gear; His oven mitts hit a table harder than they had any right, followed by his apron into the trash. Next he'd be banging tables and throwing dishes; eventually he just contented himself in slamming a cookbook around recklessly, still shouting 'No!' as if it did anything to help the situation.

His screaming had apparently brought Kane into the kitchen. The man didn't look amused, but it's not like his mask was there to show off his expressive features.

"We don't have time for this, Daniel. We open in twenty minutes,".

He got no response, but he saw Daniel's little midget-buddy mouthing something like 'ow'.

Kane stepped in front of his partner with an air of authority. Grasping Daniel's shoulders with a shake, he had a surprisingly quiet voice. "Daniel, calm down. What the Hell is your problem?"

If he listened carefully, he'd have heard the bombshell Hornswoggle was preparing him for.

He'd know about the livestock.

None the less, It was their bond as partners in therapy that allowed Kane to calm down his friend, which was great because nobody else could. With a sign, Daniel slumped his shoulders, sounding tired. "Wyatt sighting,".

"… What?"

"The Wyatt's are on our property… or at least one of their cows is,".

"No, they're not. _It's_ not. I won't allow it."

"Yes, Kane. Yes, yes, yes! I promise you that there is a cow out there that's probably shitting on our loading dock as we speak."

None of the men were really surprised when Kane looked up with a growl, his eyes going blank (apparently that was a thing in his family). He spun the up-and-coming bear around and shoved him towards the backdoor. "Stop sitting on your ass and get them off our fucking property."

Both of them had history with the Wyatts, and Daniel was happy to be the one to take care of them this time.

He wasn't so appreciative of Hornswoggle's commentary, heard moments before Daniel slammed the door shut. "Didn't your doc' work on his inside voice? The yes and no thing, I mean?"

The very first thing The American Dragon did was push the cow off his fucking stoop, following it while grabbing the reigns. He knew exactly where the Wyatt family was, and exactly where to find them.

The same place they always were when the left their cow in a back alley.

_Cactus Jack's Butcher Shop._

You have to understand… this cow thing? It was a bi-weekly occurrence; it had become a thing, so the last time it had happened, the employees of Team Friendship spoke to Mr. Shelby, and he agreed a polite confrontation with The Wyatt Family was in order.

"Let's go, Bertha." dragging the cow by its harness, D-Brizzle and Bertha made their way to Mick's stoop. Still in a rage, Daniel flung open the shop's backdoor. Originally, he just planned on leaving the cow inside the kitchen and letting those whose with interest tend to it, but his pride wouldn't stand for it today.

This plan changed when he noticed the door to the freezer – the place where all of the… dead animals, - were kept. This was a common thing during their visits, probably because that family was more comfortable in creepy places, but who knew.

Yes, yes, yes! What a good opportunity to give those Wyatts' a piece of his mind.

Getting Bertha inside wasn't a hard thing to do, but it was likely a health violation. It didn't matter to the one-sighted man marching through what you could sort of call a kitchen. It wasn't until he was halfway in the door that he was able to see what was playing out. The cold air helped him think clearer - he could wait a few minutes.

His better instincts told him the cow should be in his care as long as possible, anyway.

His good friend stood facing the door, but ignored Daniel's presence beyond a small nod. Mick Foley was a broad-shouldered man with an affection for flannel and plaid, rocking long curly hair that was a thing in the '80's. He was obviously frustrated, running his hands through his hair with an exasperated sigh. "Look, I've explained this before – the actual slaughterhouse is outside of town, alright?"

The red-beard cleared his throat, shifting on his feet. Bray nodded in understanding, offering a translation. "My brother speaks truth; your work is that of a master, and with the world as it is – currency needed to survive, we want to give you what we can."

"Yeah well – that's… this is livestock, and you know the health inspector – Layfield's an asshole and wants any excuse to shut me down; don't give him a reason, alright?"

Mick Foley was pretty sure Ol' JBL had some money invested in a ranch up state, anyway; probably was looking to make a profit off his own cattle, one day.

Bray Wyatt sighed, looking to the ceiling as if he were deep in thought.

"Alright, Mick. I understand your dilemma - you've told me of his ulterior motives before, and I've listened… but know this is not over," he put both his greasy hands onto Mick's shoulder's, giving them a tight and reaffirming squeeze. "Mr. Layfield is a manipulator, and we don't stand for his type in this world. There are too many in this town, and we need to rise above them."

"Oh, God. They're cows. You men are backwards; I don't want this to turn into a thing. Listen to me for once."

The look on the faces of the Brotherhood of Hicks was clear; a war was about to start. As far as they were concerned, they were the the lesser of the evils; the wrath the public did not deserve, but was needed to end corporate corruption. "I'm afraid I can't do that; this has to be done; I have an obligation to protect my family and what's mine - as a man I respect, it is my duty to help you succeed."

"Look, Bray – I know you mean well, but this… they're cows. Do not start a war over cows. _Cows._"

The Wyatt family had already turned their backs, confident in their new cause. Bray's voice, somehow, echoed through the freezer. "Barbeque is our business, Jack – the city has interfered for the last time in our world for the last time."

Hearing this bullshit, Daniel was already dragging Sister Abigail VIII away, unable to cope with what he was hearing. "Let's get you out of here…"

Daniel Bryan was stealing a cow; as far as he was concerned, he was saving her from the inevitable probably sacrificial, slaughter.

* * *

I know I said these would be one-shots, but something happened. Most of these chapters will be about random encounters, but this'll play a part in later chapters.

Please bare with me - your input is always appreciated.


End file.
